Scranton, PA

Scranton, the Stool Loosener

It was getting pretty late by the time we got to Scranton, PA. As per usual, all of our hotel bookings were last minute and very late check in. We pulled into the hotel parking lot and I found a spot to park the rig that was out of the way. Steph and I go inside to check in, but after a few minutes confusion we realize that we’re at the wrong hotel. Frustrated with the delay in getting to a shower and a bed, we drove the additional block to the correct street and found our accommodations…with a TINY parking lot. I was livid. The trip had been long, arduous and filled with frustration. I was starting to run up against exhaustion induced rage.

There was a large lot next door that had a couple of semi’s parked in it already and obviously it was for hotel guests. We pulled in and discovered it was pretty tight. So tight in fact, I couldn’t figure out how to turn the Uhaul around without hitting anything. Steph had pulled in before me and there was no room. Tired and frustrated, I burst out of the truck, stomped over to Steph in the dually and told her to leave the lot so I could maneuver. To communicate my distaste for the situation, I slammed my palm on top of the fender and told her to move immediately. I wouldn’t notice the hand size dent in the fender for a few days.

Even after her moving out of the way, it was incredibly tight for me. In a fit of rage, I just ran over a very large curb, go back on the main drive and came around to try again, this time with a plan to back into position instead. This is when Mr. Drunk Lincoln showed up. He blocks my path with his SUV and is obviously oblivious to what I was trying to do. I slammed the Uhaul into park, stomped on the e-brake, and flew out of the cab to confront the SUV’s driver. As I get closer he looks up, assesses the scene and miraculously realizes he’s the problem. As he drives away, he lowers the window and apologizes,”Sorry, man. Didn’t see you.” Dude, what didn’t you see? I’m in a 26′ Uhaul truck that’s dragging a four wheeled auto transport trailer. But his slurred speech and watery, glassy eyes explained everything. I finally backed into a spot next to a semi truck and made for the lobby.

While in the lobby waiting for Steph, the desk person asked if I knew the person in the white pickup that was making a thirty point turn on the other side of the hotel. Turns out that the parking situation was even more dire at the other end of the hotel parking lot. A very red faced and exasperated Steph finally made it into the lobby and we got our room.

The next morning we headed out and started our trek north to New York state. We got to Scranton proper, the hotel being more on the outskirts, and wow were those roads bad. I’ve never experienced freeways so bumpy, lumpy, wavy and broken. Wow, wtf is the matter with Scranton? If the Uhaul had been filled with boulders, the bouncing and shaking of the road would certainly have turned them to sand by the time we got to NY.

Vibrating Exercise Belt Machine, 1950’s.

If you’re old enough to remember one of these things then you know what I’m talking about. I’d seen one or two of them as a kid in the 70’s and 80’s. Undoubtedly, these things were useless and borderline, female masturbation machines. Shake the fat away? Sure, uh huh.

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